


The Next Morning (and the night)

by Neelh



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Anime)
Genre: Depression, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-02-06 01:34:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12806715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neelh/pseuds/Neelh
Summary: Things never happen all at once. At least, not the important things. Sure, a battle can be won or lost in an instant, with a badly-planned move or a well-timed strike, and Pokémon only known in ancient legends can become allies close enough to die for in a week, but you and Ash know that it’s not as important as other things.Ash falls apart. Pikachu watches.





	The Next Morning (and the night)

It doesn’t happen all at once.

 

Things never happen all at once. At least, not the important things. Sure, a battle can be won or lost in an instant, with a badly-planned move or a well-timed strike, and Pokémon only known in ancient legends can become allies close enough to die for in a week, but you and Ash know that it’s not as important as other things.

Training takes time. It takes a long while to finish perfecting that new move, or for Starly to become Staravia to become Staraptor. It took a long time for you to stop communicating through elaborate mime and intonations and to simply need to glance at Ash for a moment for both of them to know exactly what the other was thinking.

It took a while for you to love Ash as much as you do, like how you love the open sky and fresh air, and that knowledge is like a rainstorm after a drought. Ash means more than the world to you: that’s as real as the earth under your paws.

Nothing properly happens all at once, like a crucial Thunderbolt in the heat of a battle. Rather, it builds up slowly, and then you’re fighting a particularly moody Bidoof with higher attacking power than the Moltres you met the day before.

The thing is, you don’t notice until it’s too late, and then you realise that for years, you’ve known the boy who you used to take sadistic pleasure in electrocuting for longer than anyone else, and that being apart from him feels like being without your tail or your lungs. You realise that the tiny Charmander who you first met half-dead in the rain is now a Charmeleon who is terrified of being used solely for power and not to be loved, or a Charizard who is now one of Ash’s most loyal Pokémon after you. You realise that the Bidoof with emotional issues has a Tackle attack that hits like a truck.

You don’t notice how tired Ash has been getting until he refuses to get up from his futon, even when you zap him. He just lies there, staring at the ceiling, and you realise from the dark circles under his eyes that he hasn’t slept all night. Even Rotom rests at some points to charge its batteries.

You tug on his hand, holding it between your paws, but he barely responds. You’re not strong enough to lift him without the aid of momentum, and Ash doesn’t seem too eager to help you out.

“Quit it,” he eventually snaps, and you blink.

“Pikapi?” you ask. It’s one of the few words of your language that Ash understands as simply a word, and not the emotions shared as your hearts beat as one. It’s his name.

“I’m sorry, Pikachu,” he mumbles, turning his head to look at you. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

He sits up, then, even though he looks ready to fall asleep on his feet, and holds you in his arms as he walks over to the chest of drawers where his clothes are kept.

You and Ash have never really had boundaries, and he has no problem getting changed in front of you. He usually holds conversations with you as he gets dressed, about breakfast or school, but today he’s just silent. You’d say that you’ve never known him to be so quiet, but you have. Usually it’s just for a few hours at most, like after a particularly crushing defeat or when you both encounter someone mistreating Pokémon who you can’t immediately stop. But it all gets sorted out easily, normally, and you always know what has gotten Ash so wound up.

Maybe, more recently, he’s been a little more hesitant in talking. But still, there’s always that spark in his eyes that flickers with emotions; the electricity that only you can see.

This time, when you look him in the eye, you can’t feel anything but emptiness.

 

-

 

Nobody else has noticed.

When you ask them, Rotom and Popplio and Turtonator all respond in the same way: Ash has always been a little bit quiet and reserved. Sure, he was pretty loud during his first week, but he was in a new situation, and he obviously wanted to hide his anxiety and impress people by being loud instead of being himself.

And that’s not Ash.

Ash doesn’t hide himself under a brash exterior. Ash doesn’t hide anything. He’s open about himself, and while you may see different aspects of him shine through in different situations, at his core, Ash Ketchum is still that enthusiastic ten-year-old from Pallet Town who wants to achieve the incredibly vague goal of being a Pokémon Master.

But people are saying that Ash is a quiet boy, and Tapu Koko hasn’t appeared since he gave Ash an Electrium Z and the ring to use it, so maybe the deity just lost interest in a boy who doesn’t do much of note.

You watch as Ash pushes his food around on the plate, barely eating anything, and you imitate his lethargic movements. If Ash doesn’t move as quickly anymore, then you will slow down your own movements, so that you don’t fall out of sync with him. There’s a rhythm to the two of you; one-two-three-and-four, Ash-and-Pi-ka-chu. That’s the rhythm that your hearts beat to, and that you fight to. It’s the rhythm you both breathe.

So you keep on pulling Ash out of bed, and keep on riding on Ash’s shoulder even though the world moves more slowly than before and Rotom zooms around in a way that you definitely do not wish that you would, and you keep on staying with your Trainer, your human, your _Ash_. After all of those years together, you need to stay with Ash, because there’s nowhere and nobody else for you. He’s a part of you, and you would fall apart without him.

Then again, it seems like you don’t need to be gone for Ash to fall apart.

Mom doesn’t notice. When she calls Ash, you see him instantly change to the boy that you lost somewhere in the sands of Melemele Island. He fidgets and grins and holds conversations like he used to, where he feels like a spark that never burns out, and for a moment you can even pretend that he’s not been extinguished.

It’s nice to pretend, even if it makes it hurt more when Mom hangs up the phone and Ash visibly deflates back into the sofa, not to move for the next half an hour.

Sometimes you just want to zap him and give him a good taste of your Thunderbolt, one that would send Team Rocket straight to Sinnoh, but you know that it won’t help. He’ll just lie there and look at you with empty eyes, even as his body twitches from the pain. The mental image would be funny if it weren’t for the fact that Ash feels like a Ground-type now; untouchable and unreachable.

Sometimes you think that he’s been abducted by Pokémon from space who have replaced him with some kind of poorly-made clone, or that his spirit is trapped in a crystal formation in a hidden cave. You want to find your Ash and bring him back home, to the endless roads, and to the pathways that you take together and live by.

You know, on some level, that Ash isn’t gone. He’s right there, next to you, his breathing shallow but steady. Sometimes, it’s like he forgets whatever is holding him back and making him achingly wrong. Those moments are even worse than the phone conversations with Mom, because as soon as something knocks Ash out of these brief moments of happiness, he’ll slink right back into that empty Ash shell.

Sometimes, you wonder if you should tell someone. But then again, you could never talk to anyone as easily as you could talk to Ash.

 

-

 

You weren’t expecting the familiar smell of Misty amongst the normal Alolan scent of seasalt and Pyukumuku innards, especially this far away from Kanto, so when you do you can’t stop yourself from calling “Pikachupi!” and running off from Ash’s shoulder. When you reach her, the guilt consumes you for leaving Ash behind, even after swearing to yourself that you would never move too quickly for him to keep up.

At least it’s easy to get Misty to follow you across the beach and back to Ash’s class on the beach, because both she and her Marill recognise you at about the same time, and the gleam in her eyes is brighter than Ash’s have been in months. She runs across the sand and flings her drawstring bag on the sand in front of Professor Kukui, before releasing all of her Pokémon from their Poké Balls and racing them all to the ocean. You clamber onto her shoulder as she discards her loose sarong into the sand, and you cling onto the wide strap of her bikini top.

“Ash Ketchum!” she yells, running through the water. “Why didn’t you give me your damn phone number?”

Ash turns around, and he’s far out enough that you can see him bobbing lazily in the waves. For a moment, he looks confused, but then his face lights up and his mouth drops into a wide smile.

“Misty!” he calls, thrashing in a wild doggypaddle to get to her quickly, but Misty’s strong front crawl meant that she reaches him in a matter of seconds. You take the opportunity to run back onto Ash’s shoulder as he and Misty hug, without somehow getting pushed over by the ocean’s waves.

“Ah, Misty, it’s been way too long!” Ash grins as they break apart.

Misty slaps him with the effectiveness of a Magikarp’s splashing.

“Only because you never visited or called!” she responds, laughing a little bit. “I only knew you were in Alola when I’d already arrived! Tracey told me you were here when I called him from my hotel. I _paid_ for a _hotel_ , you idiot!”

“Wow, Tracey?” laughs Ash, looking a little distant. “I haven’t seen him in a while.”

Misty raises an eyebrow, and you feel a little pang in your chest. Ash is feeling the same; you just know it. The last thing he needs right now is guilt. “Yeah, you kind of missed him when you dropped off your Kalos Pokémon at Professor Oak’s lab, then left for here without catching up with any of your Pokémon.”

“In all fairness,” begins Ash, and you can feel the anxiety coming off of him. Misty probably can’t, but he’s your Ash, and you know him better than anyone.

Well, not so much anymore, but still.

“In all fairness,” says Ash, less shakily than before, “I thought I’d be going back home in a couple of weeks. I was gonna visit them after!”

Snorting, Misty begins to paddle back to shore, Ash in tow. “Yeah, but instead you enrolled in some school miles away from everyone.”

Ash shrugs without saying anything, and until you see the lively smile still on his lips you think that he might already be regressing back to his quiet shell.

“Speaking of which, _school_?” Misty laughs. “I thought that you were all for travelling, Mister I-can’t-sit-still-because-I-just-saw-another-Pokémon!”

Ash chuckles too. “I know, but it’s been pretty fun so far! It’s nice to just stay in one place, you know?”

Misty is apparently so shocked that she inhales seawater. It squirts out of her nostrils and she chokes a little bit until Ash whacks her on the back. In retaliation for the painful life-saving technique, she jabs him in the ribs with her elbow, and then you have to swim to shore by yourself, because otherwise you’ll get caught in the salty crossfire of water splashing.

“Who are you, and what have you done with Ash Ketchum?” Misty screeches.

You know that she’s joking, but you kind of want an answer to that question yourself. Then again, with Misty here, Ash could go back to normal, and he could have a reason to get out of bed in the morning, and he would run over to make friends with the Wingull outside of the window instead of watching them preen in the same way that he would stare blankly at a rerun of an old cartoon.

“Wait, does Ash know Misty?” Sophocles asks you.

You take a second to jolt out of your thoughts, and then another to process the question. But when you do, it’s so painfully simple that you can just nod and say “Pika!”

Sophocles shakes his head in disbelief, then jogs out into the ocean and yells, “Ash, why didn’t you tell us that you’re friends with an Elite Four member?”

At that moment, Misty coincidentally dunks Ash under the water, and when he rises he ends up regurgitating quite a bit of saltwater. It’s very much at Ash’s normal level of dignity, which is to say, pretty much none at all.

“Which one?” Ash asks, before doing a double-take at Misty. “No!”

Misty’s grin straddles the line somewhere between wicked and proud. “ _Yes_!”

Ash tackles Misty into the water with a very enthusiastic hug.

The splash is tremendous.

Lana looks like she’s about to faint.

 

-

 

It doesn’t last.

Of course Ash goes back to his distressingly familiar ways after a few days of getting up early to catch up with Misty, who’s staying on Melemele Island for reasons that neither you nor Ash are aware of.

There’s one saving grace, though, and it’s that Misty notices.

She doesn’t show it very obviously, but occasionally she’ll just shoot a glance at you when Ash is distracted by watching a Slowpoke wander across the sand, and there’s a load more understanding between you and her in those brief moments than what you’ve been getting with Ash recently.

“Professor Kukui is planning on starting a Pokémon League here,” she tells you one day in a quiet voice.

Ash has fallen asleep under a tree on the beach, and you still haven’t woken him up yet. Class might have already started, but he hasn’t slept properly in months.

“He’s keeping it under wraps,” she continues, “but what he’s hoping for is for the customs here to be integrated with typical League structures. So the Island Trials would be the Gyms, you know?”

You nod. To be honest, Alola has felt like the Orange Islands so far, but with a lot less travelling. The lack of Gyms has been refreshing, but a League might be just what Ash needs to get himself back on track to being a Pokémon Master.

“I was sent here by Lance to help out with setting the League up,” Misty murmurs, stroking the fur on your back gently. “But now I’m too scared about Ash to focus.”

Finally, someone gets it! “Pi!”

“I’ve been looking it up on the internet, you know,” Misty tells you. You don’t really know much about the internet. You have half-formed memories of Porygon, and the obvious knowledge that comes from tagging along with a boy who has one foot in human civilisation and his mind in clouds and Swablu wings, but that’s not much. “I’ve seen him being so tired, and so sad, and I don’t understand why this is happening to _Ash_.”

You know. You understand Misty, but you can’t understand Ash anymore. Your cloned-Ash theory is getting more viable by the day.

“I’m thinking about calling Professor Oak to get some of his old Pokémon sent over,” Misty confesses, looking out to the ocean. “Maybe he’ll get back to himself by training with them. I know that Oshawott was pretty mad about not seeing Ash after he came back from Kalos, and Gible can usually cheer Ash up.”

“Pika!” you respond. Oshawott would be fun to see again, and maybe Gible chomping on Ash’s head would finally get something through your trainer’s thick skull!

Misty smiles, staring out at the ocean’s gentle waves. On the horizon, there’s a tiny mirage with nostalgic shades of magenta and lavender. “And… I think I’ll challenge Ash to a battle, after he wakes up and has lunch,” she says, not looking at you but still addressing you. “I haven’t battled against you or him in a really long time, and I’d like to see how we’ve both developed as Trainers, you know!

“Pi pikachu, pi pika pika!” you agree, nodding vehemently. Your smile hurts as it rips across your face with sheer joy and excitement. It’s been so long since you were up against a really tough opponent like Misty, except for that fight against Tapu Koko. You’ve missed the thrill of learning on your feet and changing half-improvised strategies in the middle of a battle. You’ve missed knowing every move as it fell into place, but still gambling on that one moment working perfectly. You’ve missed Ash finally figuring something out, and giving you instructions that you only figure out as they fall into place, because you trust Ash enough to direct you right into a volcano if he knew it would work out well.

And, well, you haven’t died yet, so your strategy has worked.

Still, as you keep battling and dodging, finally rediscovering the thrill that took you across six Leagues and countless battles, you’re so excited that you don’t notice how lacklustre Ash seems to be. Everything seems to be fine until Ash’s first strategy falls apart.

Misty’s Golisopod had thrown Ash off his game a little, but you had managed to miss most of First Impression as soon as the giant bug had lumbered towards you. Despite your advantage in speed, Golisopod could still hit you hard, and none of your attacks were doing much damage. And Ash…

Ash sat down on the sand and mumbled something into his knees.

The battle stops almost instantly, with Golisopod looking at her Trainer in a way that seemed almost offended that she wouldn’t get to keep on thrashing you in battle. You try to approach Ash, but something makes you feel stuck, like you’re under Shadow Tag or Mean Look.

“What was that, Ash?” asks Misty. She probably doesn’t even notice, but her voice sounds almost mocking in its gentleness.

“I give up!” yells Ash, punching the sand at his sides. He pushes himself up a little bit, but then he lets all of the tension in his muscles go so that he falls backwards onto the sand. For a moment, you see him stare directly at the sun before he turns his head to face sideways.

You scurry over to Ash to check if he’s okay. Well, that’s stupid, because _of course_ he’s not okay. He’s forgotten his passionate, sparking spirit somewhere, and you didn’t notice him leaving it behind even though you should have, and now he’s here but he’s _not_ and he’s so tired, and you’re tired too because you feel his emotions like he feels yours.

Or, at least, he used to feel your emotions. Now you’re not sure if he feels anything at all.

“Pikachu, pi Pikapi, kachu pi!” you scream at him, trying to understand and trying to reach out, because you can’t find Ash and he’s right there.

“I don’t know, Pikachu,” he says, closing his eyes, and for a moment you think that maybe he doesn’t understand what you mean when you speak anymore. You shake your head. He has to. There’s no way that Ash would ever be that disconnected from you.

Then again, you thought that Ash would never be this sad and, you hate to say it, but he looks _pathetic_. You want Paul or Trip to be here, so that one of them could say it to his face; that he’s acting like a pathetic child who won’t stop throwing tantrums. That would get Ash all riled up and ready to battle properly, with all of his heart, to show his rival how strong he is.

But it would be how strong he _was_ , because Ash wouldn’t do that anymore. If he folded from stress in a casual battle with one of his best friends, how would he even be able to start battling his rivals?

Well, he obviously wouldn’t. He’d just give in, and accept Paul or Trip’s words, even though you’re the one thinking those words, and you’re the one who is poking so many holes through your hypothetical Ash’s self-esteem. Either way, he’d still be lying on the beach, so still under the baking sun that he could shrivel up like that dead Pyukumuku just across the sand.

You want to go back to Professor Kukui’s house, the closest thing you have to a home right now, but Ash is here, so you curl up against his chest and reassure yourself that his heart is still beating.

 

-

 

You didn’t think that he could get worse, but he does.

He stops going to school, and he almost stops eating altogether, and you want to scream at him to start making sense again but you know that he won’t hear you properly. So all that you can do is let Rotom slowly begin to stay with Lillie and her Vulpix, and wait for Misty to come back after a detour to Pallet Town.

“’M sorry,” he mumbles sometimes, half-asleep and empty.

You should be the one apologising to him. For a moment, last night, you thought about running away into the wild and not coming back.

You never want to leave Ash’s side, though. Never again.

 

-

 

Oshawott enjoys the sea around Melemele, and Gible likes to play at fighting Rockruff. They both use their teeth, but Gible has learnt a modicum of gentleness over the past year or so. In a rather productive way of dealing with stress, Leavanny sews you all clothes, but sometimes he stares at his thread like it has betrayed him.

You get it. Ash isn’t patchwork. Ash is Ash, and Ash is painfully, fallibly human. All humans become old and tired, but Ash still hasn’t finished growing into his gawky, adolescent limbs. He shouldn’t be like this; not yet.

But he is, and you try to tell Professor Kukui that this is wrong; that Ash isn’t _Ash_ anymore, but some Substitute clone or illusion; but he doesn’t understand. Nobody understood, except for Misty, and she’s gone back to Kanto for a little while.

You want her to come home. Ash isn’t home anymore. He’s stopped even trying.

Sometimes, he stares at you. It’s the most emotion you see from him, nowadays, and such a thing fills you with a disgusting sense of pride. You want to recoil from yourself, but you’re the reason that Ash is expressing even the most subtle of expressions.

They aren’t good emotions, though. They’re twisted up like the spaghetti that Ash barely touches. When Ash watches you, there’s a lump in your throat like tears, and you know that Ash feels the same.

All of the words that Ash can form with his human tongue, and none of them are ever said.

All that you can do is repeat your own name, over and over, and hope that your heart reaches his. He stopped responding, even with quiet hums of agreement, about a week ago, and you don’t even know if he can understand you anymore.

At least there’s one word left.

“Pikapi,” you murmur, crawling over the sofa and laying a paw on Ash’s loose fist.

When he looks at you this time, he forces a brief smile. It’s weak, and in a voice just as close to falling apart, he replies, “Pikachu.”

 

-

 

Misty returns by kicking open Professor Kukui’s front door and shouting, “Get your stuff together, Ash Ketchum, we’re going on an adventure!”

Her voice is like music to your ears, and the sound of Brock apologising to Kukui almost makes you cry.

Ash, on the other hand, only looks surprised. Still, the clear expression of a simple emotion on his face makes you feel like Gliscor soaring through the air. This is Ash, your trainer. He’s still there.

He looks down from the loft, brown eyes wide as he takes in the sight of two of his oldest friends, right there, in the flesh. Brock still smells like Brock, like herbs and charcoal, but you can’t smell as much damp earth on him now. Instead, a faint, clinical smell follows him around like an invisible dark cloud.

You only jump down from the loft and onto Brock’s head when Ash has reached the bottom of his ladder. He’s still wearing the same clothes as yesterday, but you can’t complain. Ash used to never change clothes at all.

“Brock,” he says, sounding a little breathless. You know for a fact that climbing the ladder doesn’t tire Ash out, even now, so it must be something to do with seeing Brock again.

Ash doesn’t even go in for a proper hug with Brock. He just flops against the guy and closes his eyes, letting himself be encased by Brock’s sturdy arms. You clamber over to sit on Ash’s shoulder; the one that isn’t occupied by Brock’s chin.

“Hey, Ash,” says Brock, gingerly pulling away from the hug. “Misty got me to take a semester off. She said something about important League business?”

Ash turns around, and with him, so do you. Misty grins at the three of you, smug and proud.

“Alola’s getting a league, and we’re going through it,” she explains.

Ash blinks. “We?”

“Well, you are,” she says. “I’m tagging along to make sure that nothing goes wrong.”

Brock shifts a little closer. “Then why am I here?”

Misty glares at him, but her pout restrains a smile. “I can’t cook, and we can’t let Ash die of malnutrition.”

“Pikachu pi chu,” you interject. Thankfully, if nobody can understand you, then they won’t know that he’s already halfway to scurvy.

Ash’s shoulder stiffens underneath you, and you wince. Apparently, you two aren’t as distant now as you first believed, if Ash understood that.

Still, if he can still understand you, then you need to get him to understand how important this opportunity is. Even if all you can say is your name, over and over, you still have to join your hearts enough for him to know.

“But what if we lose?” Ash asks, his voice soft.

“Then we find somewhere else, and we start again,” says Misty. “It’s not the end of the world, Ash.”

Ash snorts quietly. “No, the apocalypse just tends to happen whenever I go on a journey.”

You can see Misty freeze at that, her eyes betraying fear for just a moment before she nods with grim acceptance. Her emotions are as clear as water from a spring, sometimes. Ash used to be like that.

Jutting her chin out, Misty tells Ash, “Well, we’ll face it together. It’s better than what you’re doing right now.”

You can’t see Ash’s response, but his tone is cold enough for you to guess that that’s a good thing. “Which is what?”

“Nothing!” Misty snaps. “You’re just lying around and, ugh, you’re _languishing_ here, and you’re doing it to yourself!”

“I’m not doing anything to myself!” Ash responds, with a tone that reminds you that Ash probably doesn’t know what languishing is.

Misty throws her arms in the air, and a Mega Ring gleams on her wrist. “Of course you’re not! You aren’t doing _anything_ , period. In fact, I don’t even know if you’re Ash anymore, because the Ash I know doesn’t quit like this.”

“This might not be my place to speak, but I’d like to say something,” Professor Kukui interrupts.

Huh. You’d forgotten he was here, and by the way Ash and Misty jump, they had too.

Brock just says, “Of course it’s your place. You’ve been looking after Ash for the past few months, so you’d know best regarding how he’s been.”

Kukui nods, and crouches down to look at Ash in the eye.

For a painful moment, you’re reminded as to how childlike your friend really is.

“Ash, after a couple of weeks of you living here, I researched your previous tournaments and watched the online records,” he says, gentle as can be. “The boy that I saw in even one of those videos smiled more often than you have in the past two months. I thought that you were loud because you were anxious, but I was wrong. Honestly, I’ve been afraid to bring it up, because you have the freedom to leave this house whenever you’d like. I thought that if I was honest, you would leave, and I wouldn’t be able to keep an eye on you to make sure that you’re okay.”

You shift on Ash’s shoulder in order to get a good look at his face. He looks so vulnerable, like in those few moments when you see him asleep and realise how guarded he is the rest of the time. Those defences that only collapse when he’s unconscious of the world around him; they must have appeared as Ash withdrew further away, like a Shuckle to its shell, or a Seviper’s shed skin. They must have appeared as subtly as the changing tides, and as softly as Ash’s silence.

Professor Kukui doesn’t even seem like he notices how strange this is. “I think that it would be best if you journeyed around Alola with Brock and Misty. It would help you to get better.”

“Better than what?” Ash sounds utterly defeated. “I… We’ve been in so many battles, I don’t even know if I want to be a Pokémon trainer anymore.”

What?

Doesn’t Ash know? Hasn’t he realised that, still, after all these years, he’s the only thing you have? Your world is Ash, and the changing faces of his friends. Doesn’t he know how many Pokémon depend on him and his training? All of those battles, and badges, and every last drop of potential that you’ve poured into training, was that all for nothing?

You don’t look at Kukui as he tells Ash, “I think that you have depression, and that you need your friends more than ever.”

You just watch Ash blink, cold and quiet, until his lips part to say, “Alright.”

 

-

 

Within a week, Ash and the others have solved the problems of what seems like everyone on Melemele Island, save for some emotionally unstable blond who nearly beat you with his Lycanroc. Still, after you’d won, Ash’s smile was so exhilarated that you could have learnt Magnet Rise on the spot, so a stranger with an attitude problem couldn’t have a chance of bringing you down.

The Melemele Trials were quite difficult, but Rockruff had joined you in training a few times and made the snap decision to join the team just before Ash faced Kahuna Hala. It was a lot more relaxing to just take down a Hariyama, and not an Alolan Pokémon that you’d never encountered before.

Now, settled for camp somewhere in the wilds on Poni Island, you want to watch the starry sky until your eyes won’t stay open anymore, but it’s no fun when Ash isn’t there. It goes without saying that you follow him to the cliff edge, where Ash sits as casually as if it were a park bench.

“Pika pi pikachu,” you say, climbing onto his lap and staring at the sky.

Ash, leaning back on his hands, miraculously replies, “Yeah, there’s a lot more stars than I remember. Even though I’m looking at them right now, I still kind of feel like I miss them, though. Weird, right?”

Ash’s brain is so weird that nothing about it surprises you anymore, but it might just be that your mind has adjusted to his enough to understand every leap in logic. “Pi pika.”

“After we beat all the Trials,” Ash says, “I’m thinking that we should go and visit all of our friends. Having our old teammates back makes me miss the people that I met them with, you know? So I kind of wanna find them all and drop in to say hi, and maybe help them out a little bit.”

That’s… From an objective standpoint, that actually makes sense. Ash has just had a good idea, and it wasn’t in the middle of a battle. It’s not that shocking, though. Ash isn’t as stupid as he seems.

But still, there’s a point that you need to make before Ash even thinks about the next adventure. “Pikapi, pi pika chu pika!”

For a second, Ash squints at you, and your stomach’s sinking feeling has nothing to do with Brock’s excellent cooking.

His face smooths out and he grins, saying, “Oh! I should probably see a doctor, first, though. But after the Trials. It’s kind of stupid, but I want to try getting better without a doctor first.”

“Pika?” A wave of fear grips you, with images of Ash trying and failing, and being completely helpless as he becomes nothing.

Ash doesn’t respond to your question, and something in your mind knows that he didn’t understand what you said.

The two of you sit, listening to the sounds of wild Pokémon calling and thriving in the night. You’ll stay awake until Ash goes back to his sleeping bag, even if it _is_ incredibly comfortable to curl up in his lap, and even though your eyelids _do_ feel heavy.

You watch Ash’s face, softly smiling under the moon. If only he could look like this forever. You’d give up every bit of power that you’ve ever held in order to keep Ash calm and contented, watching over the world like a loving sentinel.

“I don’t want to go back,” he murmurs, stroking your left ear.

Well, that came out of nowhere. “Pi?”

Like blinking away the blear of sleep, you see how bitter Ash’s smile really is. “I don’t want to go back to feeling like I have for months. It’s only been a week, and I’m already feeling loads better, but if I feel this much better this quickly, that means I’m gonna feel worse quickly, too. And I don’t want to feel sad again.”

“Pika pika, chu Pikapi,” you say, standing up to reach and hold Ash’s hand with your two front paws. “Pikachupi, pikachu.”

“But what’s the point if I get better, then worse?” Ash asks you.

“Then you get better again,” Brock’s voice says, making both you and Ash jolt with surprise. The man – because that’s what he is now; Brock is no longer a teenaged boy but a grown adult – settles down next to the two of you, though he keeps his legs crossed agura-style instead of hanging over the edge.

Ash glances at where Brock is sitting, before shuffling backwards to match his position. Good. So he didn’t miss that brief look on Brock’s face, either.

“I wasn’t…” Ash scratches the back of his head. “I wasn’t going to do anything stupid.”

Brock smiles thinly. “I never said you were.”

You don’t need to interrupt to say that he was thinking it. Ash already knows. It’s as clear as that dejected look on his face.

“I’m sorry that you had to come here for me,” says Ash, looking at the cliff edge. “You’re probably going to get dragged into almost dying again.”

“I don’t mind.” Brock’s tone is light, and it sounds surprisingly genuine. You’d forgotten how candid Brock can be after a couple of years without him. “You’re important to me. Plus, school was getting kind of stressful. It’s nice to be back with you and Misty.”

Ash bares his teeth in a weak smile. “It’s nice to be back with you two, too. It’s not that travelling with other people feels wrong, but being with you and Misty feels _more_ right, you know?”

Brock nods in the kind of way that people nod when they’re trying to be polite about not understanding. “I think you’re designed to travel. Then again, you probably could have done school, but your brain got sick around the time that you moved here, and that threw a bit of a spanner in the works.”

“That’s one way of putting it,” Ash snorts.

“It’s an accurate way of putting it.” Brock looks slightly offended. “Your brain has stopped being able to process serotonin properly, and that’s what caused this.”

Ash leans back until his head hits the grass behind him. You scamper to stand on his chest as he waves his arms loosely. “But why?”

Brock’s only response is a shrug. “It could be lots of things. Does it really matter?”

Ash’s chest rises and falls under your feet as he sighs. “Not really, no. I just want to go back to how everything was before.”

But it won’t. Something’s changed in Ash, now, and it’s not something that he can ignore anymore. It doesn’t take a genius to notice.

“Pikapi,” you say. If you could, you would protect him from all of this. You can’t, though, because this is a thing that only Ash can do.

It’s almost like saving the world. In the end, it all comes down to Ash pulling through.

Brock moves to stand, but pauses halfway up.

“Can you promise me something?” he asks Ash.

Ash looks at Brock, humming in agreement. He doesn’t speak, and he probably doesn’t need to.

“Can you promise that you weren’t trying to do something stupid?”

Your heart would break again if you weren’t holding it together through sheer force of will, and from the look on Ash’s face, he feels the same.

“I wasn’t,” he says, eyes wide and without a trace of dishonesty.

Brock stretches up, adjusting the vest and shorts that serve as his pyjamas on this journey. “And you’ll tell us before you do anything stupid, right?”

Ash pushes himself into a sitting position, holding you against his warm chest with one hand. His fingers are spread in order to support you more, so you cling to his t-shirt to make it easier, and your ear pressed against his chest means that you can hear his heartbeat.

 _Ash and Pikachu, Ash and Pikachu_.

With his free hand, Ash makes a fist with an extended pinky finger, and bumps his knuckles against Brock’s before he links their little fingers together.

With a smile that could cause a lunar eclipse with its brightness, Ash says, “I promise.”

Brock returns the smile until their fingers break away from each other, letting Ash hold you with both hands.

“Go to sleep soon, okay?” says Brock. “You’ll feel better with a good night’s sleep.”

Ash stands slowly, not letting go of you. “Sure, Brock. Sorry if I worried you.”

 

But when everyone else is asleep, Ash lies in his sleeping bag, holding you close.

“Hey, Pikachu?” he whispers, barely making a sound in the starry night.

You twist around to look at him. “Pikapi?”

His eyes gloss over with tears as he looks at you, holding far too many emotions to count for this one moment in time.

“Thanks for not giving up on me, buddy,” says Ash. “Thanks for sticking with me, even though it must have hurt, and even though I’m still not back to normal. I swear, I’m gonna get better, and I’m doing it for both of us, and everyone else.”

You smile back, reaching out to hold his cheek. Your paw rubs against something damp, so you take the opportunity to wipe away the rest of the tear tracks down Ash’s face.

Even now, you’d do anything for him.

“Pikapi, pika pikachu.”

“I love you too, Pikachu.”

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> title from the bulbapedia translation of mamorubeki mono by sowelu from the ninth pokemon movie, and wow that was a long sentence to point out a song i like
> 
> i started writing this in march as a ventfic then i forgot about it to work on a commission that i still haven't finished, and i recently felt a bit sad so!!! i finished it!!! plus i have a lot of emotions about i choose you. the credits song, not the film
> 
> i guess my pokemon niche is giving ash ketchum more neurodivergences than he has in canon
> 
> sorry if i slip and suddenly get really verbose; i have a lot of words and they tend to get more complicated when i get anxious


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